Honesty is scary stuff.

When I was little (and by little I mean 20) I knew that I was going to get married and have kids.  No doubt about it.  I didn’t even really think about who I would marry or how many kids we’d have or what my wedding dress would look like, because the story was already written. I didn’t need to plan and day-dream because it was going to be.  It was so inevitable that I didn’t need to think about it until it inevitably happened.  Which I knew it would, inevitably.

Well now dear Ameezings, I ‘suddenly’ find myself single and kid-less at 31 and a half.  There was a dress and flowers and vows, but then there was also a cold court room and dividing furniture.  An unexpected journey.   The long way around.

My grade five Afrikaans teacher used to say to kids making excuses about absent homework, ‘My heart bleeds lumpy custard for you.’  Which now that I think about it is a pretty gruesome image to fill a small person’s mind with.  But it’s what my unkind self has been telling my squishy hearted self for a while now.  And my squishy hearted self has been in an awkward state of denial that my story looks any different to how it was always going to inevitably look.

Now for the emo-exorcising part.  I am learning how to make peace with a new story.  The fact that the inevitable didn’t happen, inevitably.  For so long now I have been living in a state of waiting for that story to start.  For ‘how its supposed to be’ to just get freakin’ on with it.  I’m ready now at 31 and a half to say that it’s not going to be like I always knew it would be.  And that’s okay.  I may end up with a house full of iguanas and a huge Reader’s Digest collection.  I may be a single mom to a tiny, adopted person.  I may meet someone at the chemist tomorrow and live happily ever after.  I may pack a backpack the size of an overfed cat and go somewhere new.  Where the language sounds made up to my english ears and all the menus scare me.  These new stories are not as important as the possibilities of these new stories.

Goodbye dragon of inevitability.  You were exciting and kept me believing for many years.  But it’s time for my wooden sword and paper pirate hat.  I’m going dragon slaying.

 

PS. Single and the City.

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5 Comments

Filed under Discover Ameezing Things

5 responses to “Honesty is scary stuff.

  1. AntC

    Yippee for dragonslayers!

  2. ant L

    I am proud of you, ms ameezing.

  3. antK

    …such honesty and baring of your heart – it makes me feel priviledged that you have shared this with us – and makes me SO sure that you are headed for happy endings in the future . You really know – who – you are at this time and that is a powerful position to go forward into the future from !
    Age is actually irrelevant – its maturity and outlook that counts

  4. Movan

    Yes! You put it so well! There are many possible ‘happy endings’, not just one!! 🙂

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