I have really thick hair. When I was little my hairdresser used to joke with me that she needed to buy new scissors after my appointment. Recently, a hairdresser told me that I have three strands of hair to every one strand that a ‘normal’ human has. And more recently, a hairstylist stood, cheeks flushed and arm, no doubt, cramping from wrestling the hairdryer and my hair and said, ‘Damn woman, that’s a lot of freakin hair’.
So with all this hair, one can imagine how much hair I have elsewhere. ‘Where is she going with this?’, you nervously wonder. Fear not, brave reader, for I am heading straight to my favourite beauty salon, this weekend, for a bikini wax.
When I was about ten years old I was helping out at the tea-table on Sports Day (I couldn’t, and more importantly didn’t want to, run, hurdle, leap into sand pits, fling my body over a pole and onto a sticky plastic mat or any other thoroughly terrifying activity that Sport’s Day held). So there I was pouring milk into tea and handing out Romany Creams when the student teacher accidentally dropped an urn of boiling water onto my foot. In a panic to get my shoe off she got the buckle stuck, and so I stood, going a shade of blue-y green (rather like a pool starved of chlorine), while for two minutes, my foot cooked in boiling water. I once rolled and bounced across the highway in a car. Years ago I fell out of a tree and cracked my elbow. I have a tattoo. I got my teeth whitened (raw gums for a week, it hurt to inhale, terrifically inconvenient). And once, I ran around barefoot on a tennis court for too long and the bottom of my feet blistered so badly they looked like bubble wrap.
Multiply all of these pain experiences by seven, mix together with a dash of humiliation and a seasoning of pure horror and you have a bikini wax. High five lady waxers and waxees. And high five man friends of waxees who buy their lady friends bunches of flowers, take-away coffees and box sets of ‘Glee’ in acknowledgment of the brave and ameezing acts we are doing.
Did I just write an entire post about pubic hair? I believe so.